Always remember that pursuing something isn’t about actually attaining it.
I don’t know what to do.
I only have two weeks to find an apartment. But if I move into an apartment I commit to a lease, most likely. And rent is becoming increasingly more expensive.
A friend offered to let me go to Buenos Aires for an extended period of time with her this winter starting in November. I’m scared of giving up my life in NYC with that big of a commitment depending on how long I decide to go, if I go at all. I’m so afraid of flying somewhere that far in general.
This is compounded with the apartment problem. Do I look for an apartment and come back after the trip or do I sublet until November, leave, and come back without an apartment and look then? I’m also worried about giving up the best cafe job I’ve ever had. I love how much money I am making and I love being there.
I’m also afraid of how much more I can sustain what I am doing professionally here. I feel sapped of energy, interest and ideas. But I felt this guilt and this shame and this weight from not being able to perform my job properly or forever. And from not being able to appreciate it. Everyone tells me how incredible my job is and how lucky I am but I just constantly overwhelms me as if I am taking in too much all at once all of the time. So it makes me feel worse that I can’t live up to other people’s idea of what my job is.
I’m scared to leave New York because I know so many incredible people here and I don’t want to give it up. I’m scared of feeling like a loser who couldn’t tame the city. I think about girls who have broken my heart who are successful here and it grinds down my confidence as if I am not good enough for them, as if they saw it and I have to admit my defeat in the face of their rejection.
I want to leave but I don’t want to leave at the same time. I just don’t want to feel this anxiety anymore and I don’t want to feel pulled in a million directions anymore. And I just wish I could find someone to share my time with who didn’t care that I felt this way who didn’t care that I was scared who didn’t care if I wasn’t more successful. Who just saw something good in me and let me be that person for once in my life. Who told me it was okay to runaway who told me it was okay to be weak or sensitive and that there was nothing wrong with being that person everyone expects you to be. Because I feel so often that’s not so much that I hate who I am more than it is that I hate what I have to do to survive.